WHY I ATE MY WIFE
一切最终都会融合——一切都是有机的。你无法区分事物。当你的心灵清空了自私，它就会崩塌消融于水中。如果我割开自己的身体，并集中注意力，我就不会感觉到它。每一次心跳，它都会剧烈地抽搐，抽搐着我的脊椎，拉扯着我的脑底。记忆穿梭于我脑海里凝结腐烂的森林，将当下碾压在它们之下。我的记忆不属于我。它们如同蜈蚣在水槽下黑暗角落里挥舞着腿一样不可知。当一个画面掠过我的神经系统时，它带着入侵者掠食般的贪婪。我的身体敞开着，透明着，毫无防备。每一秒都像一只独立的昆虫，吸食着我的血液。
当我和妻子的身体合二为一时，我坠入了她的身体，像穿着橡胶护套一样裹着她的皮肤。她保护着我，使我免受外界侵害。因为她现在已经死了，我肯定很快就会被吃掉。我成了一具没有皮肤的躯体，肌肉在阳光下晒干。我感觉自己正在萎缩。
我把她当作一个过程，一个系统，通过它，我们可以超越自私的念头，与物质融为一体。当她的手抚摸我的腿，当她的嘴唇润湿我的肌肤，我体验到的兴奋，如同一股最终将我们两人抹去的洪流的第一波。我爱她胜过我需要我自己的身份。虽然她的尸体就躺在我面前的桌子上，但我无需睁开眼睛就能看得清清楚楚，感受它渗透进我的感官。爱让微生物和病毒毫无阻力地穿过我的身体。爱她，让我失去了求生的意志。如果我现在吃掉她的身体，我会把她重新带回我的体内。但每吞下一口，我都会失去相应数量的自我。
她的芬芳在她上方弥漫，如同薄雾般闪耀，空气中弥漫着蜂蜜的芬芳。她的乳房如今已开始顺着肋骨滑落，腐烂着，不再坚挺，不再充满傲慢，也不再因生育的希望而膨胀。我曾经含在嘴里吮吸咀嚼的乳头，如今却笔直地挺立着，仿佛在对抗着她乳房向侧腹的下坠。重力像流沙一样将她拉向自身。她的腹部在蠕动，在腐烂的同时孕育着气体，从深处发出晦涩难懂的魔咒。低头看着她张开的嘴，我仍然记得她唾液的味道，略带焦糖味的唾液，还能感觉到她舌头滑入我口中，绕过我的牙齿，缠绕住我的舌头，如同橡胶般坚硬。但现在，她脸上露出了一个空洞，露出了一条死气沉沉、厚实的皮革舌头，就像搁浅的海洋哺乳动物的尸体，爬进她口腔的黑暗空间，躲避阳光和成群的苍蝇。她的嘴唇，曾是我吮吸汁液的珍稀果实，如今却干瘪龟裂，如同杏干。她抬头凝视着我，如同腐蚀性的酸液灼烧着我的脸。我的泪水缓缓流下眼角，浓稠得如同矿物油。
七天前，她偷偷地站在卧室门口，看着我蜷缩在床上看书，丝毫没有察觉到她的存在，直到她悄无声息地靠近，将温暖的气息喷洒在我的后颈上。如今，她的肉体躺在这里，毫无表情，毫无同情，如同酵母对水的反应，化为一个个过程。构成她身体的分子在移动，彼此分离，重新排列，最终消散在周围的生物化学混合物中，不再由她个人意志的黏合剂维系。我感觉自己的身体翻腾着粒子、遗传物质、原子、寄生虫……
她性爱的气味爬进我脑海深处的子宫，在那里孕育，形成一段完美的记忆，一个坚硬的红色核心，充满了难以言喻的欲望，它闪耀着光芒，温暖着我的思绪。我俯身向她，给了她最后一个徒劳的吻。她口腔内分泌出一股粘稠的白色胶水，闻起来像是来自地底深处——藏在暗无光亮的坟墓里的动物肥料。我拿起一把锯齿菜刀，小心翼翼地切开她的手指，用一条白色浴巾接住流出的液体。我小心翼翼地吞噬着她灵魂的碎片，她一眨不眨的眼神让我目不转睛。我陶醉于她记忆的终结，以及她的味道、气味和质感传入我的身心。
几周过去了，每一天，我都会吸收她精华的一部分。当她存在的本质进入我体内时，我便转化为一个超越自我，也超越她的实体。这种演变只是我自身缓慢分解的第一步，我将与无数的生物融合，它们将以我为食，最终将我与大气混杂……
（1993）
原文
Everything merges eventually — everything is organic. It’s impossible to distinguish one thing from another thing. When your mind is emptied of selfishness, it crumbles and dissolves in the water. If I cut at my body and concentrate correctly, I won’t feel it. Each time my heart beats, it jerks violently and whips my spine loose, tugging at the base of my brain. Memories move through the clotted and rotting forest inside my head and crush the present beneath them. My memories don’t belong to me. They’re as unknowable as a centipede fluttering its legs in the dark corner beneath the sink. When an image moves through my nervous system, it’s with the predatory greed of an intruder. My body’s laid open, transparent, defenseless. Each second of time is an individual insect feeding on my blood.
When my wife and I joined our bodies together, I fell into her body and wore her skin like a rubber sheath. She protected me from the outside. Because she’s dead now, I’m certain to be eaten soon. I’m a skinless body, my muscles drying in the sun. I feel myself shrinking.
I used her as a process, a system through which we could blend with matter beyond our selfish thoughts. When her hand stroked my leg, when her mouth wet my skin, the arousal I experienced was the first wave of a current which would ultimately erase us both. I love her more than I need my own identity. Though her body lies here on the table before me, I don’t need to open my eyes to see it in detail, to feel it physically saturate my senses. Love allows microbes and viruses to pass through my body without resistance. In loving her, I lose the will to live. If I eat her body now, I’ll take her back into myself. But with each mouthful I swallow, I’ll remove a commensurate amount of myself.
Her fragrance lifts up shimmering above her in a mist and flavors the air with honey. Her breasts have now begun to slide down the hill of her ribs, rotting, no longer firm with arrogance or inflated with the promise of fertility. The nipples I once took into my mouth and sucked and chewed, stand straight as if in defiance against the retreat of the body of her breast down her side. Gravity is pulling her down into itself like quicksand. Her belly is shifting, emitting obscure demonic incantations from inside its depths as it breeds gas while decomposing. Looking down at her open mouth, I can still remember the taste, the slightly caramel flavor of her saliva, and feel the rubbery resistance of her tongue slipping into my mouth, circling across my teeth, wrapping itself around my tongue. But now, an open cave in her face displays the dead thick leather tongue like the cadaver of a beached sea mammal, crawled into the dark space of her mouth to hide from the sun and the swarming flies. Her lips, which were once a rare fruit I sucked for juice, are now shriveled and cracked like a dried apricot. Her eyes stare back up at me, searing my face with corrosive acid. My tears drain slowly down the corners of my eyes, thick as mineral oil.
Seven days ago, she stood secretly in the doorway of our bedroom watching me, curled in the bed reading, unaware of her presence, until she had silently approached and breathed warm breath against the back of my neck. Now her flesh lies here devoid of gesture or empathy, reduced down to a process, like yeast reacting to water. The molecules that comprise her body are moving, detaching from one another, rearranging and dissipating into the surrounding chemical stew of biology, no longer held together by the adhesive material of her individual will. I feel my own body churning with particles, genetic material, atoms, parasites…
The smell of her sex crawls into the womb inside my brain where it gestates, forming a perfect memory, a hard red core of impossible lust that glows and warms my thoughts. I bend down to her for a last futile kiss. The inside of her mouth excretes a sticky white glue that smells as if it came from a place deep in the earth — a cache of animal compost hidden in a lightless tomb. I take a serrated kitchen knife and remove her fingers carefully, catching the draining fluids on a white bath towel. I eat these possessed fragments of her soul with empirical care, transfixed by her unblinking eyes. I’m intoxicated with the finality of her memory and the transmission of her taste, odor, and texture into my mind and body.
As weeks pass, each day brings the ingestion of another piece of her essence. As the substance of her being enters me, I’m transformed into an entity beyond myself, and beyond her too. This evolution is just the first step in my own slow decomposition, as I blend with the infinite organisms that will in turn feed on me, ultimately mixing me with the atmosphere …
(1993)